For most men, women are pretty confusing.
They say one thing, while they mean something completely different. They act more through emotion than logic. And many of them tend to give “mixed signals.”
As you get more experienced, it becomes a lot easier to read women. You can usually tell when a girl is into you, and when she’s not. But unless you’re a mind reader, you’ll never be perfect at it (though you’ll get better and better)…
Most guys aren’t experienced, though, and they constantly misjudge signs of women’s attraction.
This issue has come to my attention recently, as a lot of you have been hitting me up on Instagram and email and asking me questions about specific girls in your life…
- Should I ask her on a date?
- Why does she cancel plans?
- What does it mean if she didn’t answer my text?
And while it’s awesome that you’re taking action and talking to women, one thing is very clear based on the context of your stories…
Usually, she’s just not that into you.
The problem is, you rationalize her disinterest and assure yourself that there must be another reason for it. In doing so, you waste your time pining for girls who don’t really like you all that much, while missing out on girls you might have chemistry with.
So I thought it necessary to point out the signs that she’s just not that into you.
If she gives you any of the following signs (especially more than one), it’s probably time to move on.
(Don’t allow yourself to rationalize these – you’re only hurting yourself and wasting your time.)
And one more note before we get started: Just because a girl was into you at one time, doesn’t mean she’ll always be into you. Attraction has a window, and that window can close. She can change her mind. Her past attraction for you doesn’t invalidate any of these signs.
Here are 10 Signs She’s Just Not That Into You
1. She Doesn’t Text You Back
Here’s a recent message I received from a reader…
“Met this girl on a dating app, and from the first date, we hit it off really well. We met up, and she spent the night. A week or two later, we had another awesome date. She even told me, “I find you very attractive.” Then I had to go on vacation. She still texted me after I came back, but went cold after a few days. Then she said she was extremely busy with school and some other personal stuff. So I stopped hitting her up. Now her exams are over, and I thought I’d try and get in touch with her and maybe meet her, but she hasn’t replied to my text…maybe she will! Bottom line is I have strong feelings for this girl and I’m not sure what I should do… What do you think?”
My advice boiled down to: she’s probably not into you anymore, and you should stop focusing on it. Instead, focus on your personal growth and purpose, and stay open to possibilities with other women.
You see, he kept reverting back to the time when she said she found him “very attractive,” while ignoring the current evidence of her disinterest (i.e. her being unresponsive).
Here’s the thing: Most women are glued to their phones. She knows when and if you texted her. And the hard truth is that, if she’s into you, she’ll respond to your texts. If she’s not, she either won’t respond, or will respond with short, vague answers that don’t help to build the conversation.
If this consistently happens to you from the outset, it’s a sign that you’re not doing a good job of building a connection in person when you meet women. If you don’t have that initial connection, it’s very difficult to build it through texting. So, improve your communication skills and start connecting. You should get better responses.
(That said, it can also be because of bad texting. For help with that, make sure to check out my texting cheat sheet.)
And if it’s happening with women you’re hooking up with, it could be a sign that you’re being a little too needy, getting too into her too quickly (and scaring her off), and/or not doing enough to maintain attraction and interest.
2. She Insists on Hanging Out in Public Places
This is fine if it’s the first date – most women prefer to meet in a public place on the off chance that you’re creepy as fuck or dangerous. But if she continuously insists on hanging out in public places, it’s a bad sign.
For example, let’s say you have an awesome first date. You both hit it off. Then, for the second date, you ask if she wants to come over and cook pizza at your panty dropping bachelor pad. She brushes off the request and says something like, “How about we just walk around and find a good place to get some food?”
“Okay”, you think, “no big deal.” You have fun on the second date too. Then, for the third date, you go to an early evening improv show. Afterwards, you ask if she wants to walk around the corner and have a glass of wine at your place. She responds, “Sounds fun, but I think I’m going to call it a night!”
There’s usually one big reason she doesn’t want to go back to your place or be in a more private setting with you: she doesn’t want to give you the opportunity to make a move that could lead to sex…because, well, she’s just not that into you.
Either that, or she has some weird hangups about sex. In either case, you should probably move on.
3. She’s Flaked on You More Than Once
You set up the time to hang out, and everything seems fine and dandy. Then, a day before or even at the last minute, she gives you an excuse as to why she can’t make it.
“Okay, stuff happens,” you think. “No big deal.”
You set up another date, and she flakes again.
The sign here is pretty clear. She’s prioritizing everything else over hanging out with you. She might even make plans with you as a backup – then, when something better comes along, she’ll flake on you and do that instead (I’ve seen women do this first hand – hanging with me and flaking on the other guy :p).
If she’s into you, she generally won’t flake on you more than once. Sure, it’s possible that all of these crazy things are coming up and forcing her to miss her date with you. But if we’re being honest, she’s probably just not that into you.
It’s also a sign that you don’t understand the right way to set up and confirm dates so she doesn’t flake.
4. She Openly Talks About Other Guys in Front of You
She goes on and on about dates with other guys, how she’s really into this guy from work, or how she saw this cute guy at the cafe the other day.
“Maybe she’s just trying to make me jealous,” you think. Sure, that’s a very slim possibility and something that an insecure girl might do. But what’s far more likely is that she doesn’t see you as a sexual threat.
She talks to you about other guys in the same way she vents to her girlfriends. And so, she sees you as a friend more than anything else.
This is a sign that you’re vibe is too friendly and “nice”. If you’re tired of women treating you in a “just friends” kind of way, you need to develop your sexy vibe.
5. She’s Always “Busy” When You Want to Hang Out One-on-One
As a general rule: If a woman is into you, she’ll make time to hang out with you. Even the busiest of women will put aside a day or two a week to see you. You do the same thing, right? When you like a girl, you make time to see her.
So if she’s constantly “busy” with school, work, or some other thing that’s supposedly taking up all her time, you should be skeptical.
Maybe she does make time to hang out with you – but it’s ALWAYS in a group setting. She invites you out to drinks with friends or networking events, etc. But it’s always in a spot where she won’t be one-on-one with you.
Again, she’s trying to avoid giving you the opportunity to make a move and/or she doesn’t want to lead you on.
6. She Says She’s “Not Ready” for a Relationship Right Now
I had this happen a few years ago with a girl who I was really into. I convinced myself that it was the truth. She was a busy girl, and maybe she really just wasn’t “ready for a relationship right now.”
You can probably guess how it turned out…
After another week or two of hanging out, she said something along the lines of, “I love hanging out with you and we always have a great connection. But something is just missing for me. I wish I could tell you what it was, but I can’t put my finger on it. I’m sorry Dave – I think we should stop seeing each other for now.”
I was pretty crushed. But I should have known this would happen from the moment she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship.
You see, this excuse is a woman’s classic escape route. It leaves no room for a counter-argument. She’s just “not ready.”
But what she really means is she doesn’t want a relationship with you. In other words, she doesn’t see you as relationship material. Either you’re just a “fuck buddy” (which is fine depending on your dating goals), or she’s just not that into you.
Whatever you do, DO NOT wait around until she’s “ready for a relationship.” That point will almost certainly never come. It’s time to move on and let her go.
7. You’re Always the One Who Initiates the Conversation
As a general rule, she should always be investing a little more than you. This is the dynamic you set when you know how to lead women.
You want her to be the one chasing.
Sure, at first it’s your responsibility to get it going when you meet a girl. Sending the first text, arranging the first meetup, etc. But if this continues on throughout the relationship, it’s a bad sign.
There should be a balance here. Sometimes you hit her up first, and sometimes she initiates things.
8. She Asks You to Go Shopping With Her
There’s nothing that screams “just friends” more than when a girl asks you to go shopping with her. That is, unless you’re her boyfriend and she’s dragging you along on her errands (in which case you need to reconsider what the fuck you’re doing).
9. She Doesn’t Let You Pay for Her
This is a tricky one – with a bit of a caveat (I’ll explain in a minute)…
As the man, it’s generally acceptable and somewhat expected for you to occasionally offer to pay for dinner, drinks, etc. (especially on the first date).
But here’s something I’ve noticed: when women aren’t interested in you, they can get uncomfortable when you offer to pay for things. That’s likely because by allowing you to pay for them, they feel like:
- They’re leading you on
- And they’re expected to “reciprocate” with something later in the night (like sex)
Think about it: when a friend pays for you, you usually offer to get them back, right? (IF you’re not a douche…)
Be aware of this dynamic.
And here are the caveats:
- Some women may try and take advantage of you and get you to pay even when they’re not into you. This usually only happens if she thinks she can easily manipulate you
- Some women are hell bent on equality and will try to split everything from the get go
These caveats are the exceptions and not the rule (and if you set the right frame from the beginning, women should very rarely try to take advantage of you, if ever).
10. She Whines to You About How Bad Other Men Are
We’ve all been there…
She goes on and on about how other men are assholes and dogs. How she can’t stand the way this guy or that guy treats her.
She even tells you how she “wishes more guys were like you.”
Don’t take this as a compliment. She’s actually disqualifying you. She’s basically saying, “I wish more guys were like you, because I’d never actually date you.”
Why wish for a guy like you, when she has you right there? It’s a platitude. She’s not that into you.
Oh and before we move on, here are a few more obvious signs she’s not into you that you still may be overlooking:
- She explicitly tells you she has a boyfriend
- She tells you or repeatedly implies she wants to be friends
- She tends to avoid making eye contact with you
- She starts dating another guy
- She never laughs at your jokes
What to Do if She’s Not That Into You…
First of all, you need to avoid becoming bitter. You might think, “This is unfair. If she’s not interested, why doesn’t she just tell me!”
Well, she probably has done so to guys in the past, only to be yelled at, called a bitch, or otherwise freaked out on. So now, she feels much better off just sending these kinds of signals.
Also, to her these signals are pretty obvious and she feels like you should pick up on them.
Second, don’t get butt-hurt about it. Avoid pitying yourself and “waiting” for her to change her mind. Instead, stay on your purpose, meet more women, and focus on living a life you’re proud of.
A high value man doesn’t waste time pining for women who aren’t into him. And besides, why the fuck would you want to “make it work” with a girl who isn’t that into you? It’s much better to find a girl who’s crazy about you.
So, be aware of these signs, be very careful of rationalizing, and be okay with walking away and moving on.
In doing so, you won’t waste your time, and you’ll leave the door open for more fulfilling relationships and “flings” with women who ARE into you.
Life’s a lot more fun that way!
And if you’re tired of women being “not that into you”, check out my best-selling book flirting and conversation: