This is a guest article from Xavier. Xavier is the founder of Modern Dating Success, where he helps men kick ass in dating and life. He was one of the first guys I met during my journey of improving with women. Back when I started going out in Boston, Xavier helped me drastically accelerate my success with women – so, he knows his stuff. 

Things were going so great on the first date, and even more epic the second. The birds were chirping, sunshine, kittens, roses, everything was perfect. She was perfect. Just fireworks. I was envisioning how I’d introduce her to my family, our first holiday season together, the wedding.

For now though date #3. More fun and adventure on deck!

Logical next step, I texted her. And…

Silence.

A day later… Two days… Three days. Crickets.

What happened?

She was gone. Never to return.

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This happened to me on more than one occasion. But I’m going to tell you why it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Before I tell you what’s likely the last thing you want to hear, let’s consider common reactions to the above situation. Many guys choose to react in a bitter manner (guilty as charged!). The ‘bro’ mentality comes to the surface – “Whatever bro, girls be cray”, “On to the next one!” The pain and frustration that things didn’t turn out our way is obvious.

Should we be vulnerable and look to take responsibility? No, that would require far too much effort. So, on we go, angry, perpetuating a negative cycle and being value leeches. We take it out on others, become more callous, develop a “woe is me” victim complex, and look to exact revenge on the world – cause “that’ll show ‘em”.

Here is what we don’t realize at the time…

Women Are Our Friends

Women are our friends because they help us grow. And sometimes the best lessons we learn – the ones that force us into growth – are unknown to us as the time. Think about your best triumphs, your proudest moments in life. Many of them were preceded by moments of struggle, self-doubt, challenge, fear and uncertainty. But you overcame and succeeded.

How do women help us succeed? Savvy, intelligent, high-conscious women challenge us in that they do not reward bad behavior. For the guy like me who already started projecting and planning his entire life around one woman after a couple dates, this is a tough but crucial lesson. As soon as I recognized that this girl was doing a loving (even subconscious) thing, and that this was leading somewhere good, I was motivated to handle my issues and improve my life.

She Didn’t Reject You

Advanced minded, self-actualized men who have found dating success and the ‘abundance mentality’ in life, all appreciate one important fact; it’s not personal. They’ve stopped making a total value judgment on themselves because of one or a few instances. They can recount that in early dating situations, it was their behavior that women rejected and not them as humans.

They look to correct their behavior and their mindsets, while they assess their motivations, attitude, and beliefs. These high-conscious men gain knowledge and understanding that is liberating – that the women they want to date are not malicious but rather are gentle, kind, compassionate, self-aware, perceptive, socially astute, and highly intelligent beings.

So what behaviors should you be thankful that women reject?

The Permission Seeker Your actions and communications convey that you are a beggar for her approval. “Will you go out to dinner with me, pretty please?” “Is what I’m wearing good enough for you?” “Is what I said funny enough, did you like it?” “Can I hold your hand now, please?”

Solution: Lead women with conviction. “Confidence is attractive. Get some”. Women enjoy someone who can (in a caring manner) take the lead. Strong leaders are sure of themselves and want to show others the way to success. Their vision is compelling and others buy in because it’s clear that their direction is advantageous. So man up, be able to articulate exactly what you like, where you are headed, what you are working toward, what you stand for, your boundaries, and the kind of individuals you permit in your life. The girl, and people in general will sense your conviction and respect it.

The Air Head I’ve spoken to countless women who are baffled that many guys can’t come up with a solid date plan. It’s maddening to them! The men are indirect with their language out of fear and they appear flakey. You think you’re playing it cool but really you look aloof and/or like you don’t have a clue.

Solution: Come up with a solid game-plan. Be organized. After all you’ve got important shit going on. Plus it shows basic respect and courtesy for her schedules. “Coffee. Saturday XYZ Café on 6th Avenue at 1pm.” Simple, direct.

The Value Leech: You are out to get something. You are a taker. This was something I struggled with. You need her in order to feel good about yourself, to feel normal. The girl can sense you are in her presence for what you can get out of it, be it attention, validation, or sex.

Solution: Focus your energy on building meaningful, lasting, authentic, and enriching relationships with people. Be the friend you want in your life. Be the romantic partner you want to attract into your life. Cultivate empathy and ask how you can give your gift to the world without desperately needing a thing in return. It’s no surprise that people who generously offer love to the world attract copious amounts of love into their lives.

The Uncalibrated: Something about you is off. You are too in her face when you talk. A little too eager. You touch abruptly. You’re too excited, act jumpy, and are fidgety on the date.

Solution: Don’t share anything too heavy on the first couple of dates. Freely express yourself but develop a general awareness for conversation boundaries. Relax. Hands out of your pockets. If at a café/restaurant setting with the girl, place your hands apart on a flat surface such as the table or your lap, but be able to see your outstretched fingers. You’ll feel more Zen and your body language will sub-communicate a calmness which can help on the first couple of dates where we’ve all felt butterflies.

The Creepy: You get sexual a little too quickly, whether in person or over text, and in a socially inconsiderate way. While girls appreciate a man who goes for what he wants, they are quickly creeped out by inappropriate communications of sexuality that betray a lack of understanding for what is generally socially acceptable.

Solution: Default to gentle touch on the first couple of dates and gauge where she is at. Demonstrate social acuity. Keep touch above her waist line for example if placing a hand on her back. Show respect. Again, empathy. Try to sense the fears and anxiety she may be experiencing and respond by being someone who offers safety and comfort. Act like you’ve been there before.

We’ve touched on a lot. Here are the key takeaways:

  • Advanced-minded men in abundance take ownership when girls reject certain behavior. They appreciate the valuable lesson, and look at it as an opportunity to improve.
  • Successful, high-conscious men cultivate empathy and feel what others feel. They don’t look to take from women, but instead to create a pleasant environment for them and the world.
  • Men of high value look to offer value first, be calibrated in their interactions, put a smile on other people’s faces, and build loving relationships of depth.
  • Men of value lead, are courteous, respectful and ultimately extremely grateful that women do not validate negative behaviors. They love women and view them as gentle, kind, perceptive, smart and compassionate beings.

Check out more from Xavier at his new blog, Modern Dating Success