“Hi, I’m Dave,” I said, as I shook her hand and smiled.
“I’m Sarah,” she said, as she looked up and matched my gaze.
That’s all it took. Right away, I felt that familiar, yet elusive “spark.” That instant “chemistry” when you just “click” with another person.
And so began an unexpected whirlwind romance filled with adventures, passion, and connection.
It’s an often glossed-over concept in the realms of dating advice. But it’s important to grasp, as it makes up half the “puzzle” of a strong connection (more on this later).
Chemistry makes dating fun. The more of it you have with women, the more exciting and fulfilling your dating life will be. Plus, you’ll have the best, most emotionally charged sex with the women you have chemistry with.
The problem is most guys rarely meet a girl they have chemistry with. Maybe once a year or less. This is partly because they chalk chemistry up to “fate”, and mostly because they don’t know how to actively meet more women they have chemistry with.
But here’s what’s awesome: you don’t have to leave chemistry up to mere chance.
You can actively:
1) Create more opportunities to meet women you have chemistry with
2) “Spark” chemistry even when it isn’t initially there
The goal here is to teach you how to do both of these things. So, let’s get started…
What is Chemistry – And How Do You Know When You Have It?
Chemistry represents the strong emotional connection you have with a girl. There’s a mix of comfort and excitement there, and it feels like you’ve known her for years even when you’ve just met.
What’s crazy is that sometimes you can even sense the chemistry before you talk to a girl. It’s that “nudge” your intuition gives you to get off your ass and go meet her.
Here are some tell-tale signs you have chemistry with a girl:
- You feel a “spark” with her almost instantly
- She brings out warm, fuzzy feelings in you (I know, so cute, right?)
- You feel like you can share anything with her
- You have an emotional connection with her
- You’re naturally a lot happier when you hang out with her
- You don’t get sick of her, even if you see her all the time
- You have the urge to cook her breakfast and hang with her the morning after
How to Meet Women You Have Chemistry With
It shouldn’t be “rare” to meet women you have chemistry with. If you have your fundamentals down (which you can learn throughout this blog) and you’re consistently taking action, it should be pretty common. But even then, it can seem difficult and you can get caught up in the “there’s only a few awesome girls out there” fallacy.
In reality, there are tons of awesome women you can make connections with. With that in mind, you can meet a lot more women you have chemistry with by doing the following…
Let Go of the “Girl Who Got Away”
Pay close attention here. This is the most important point you need to understand.
It’s A LOT harder to meet women you have chemistry with when you’re still hanging on to a girl from your past.
We all have that “girl who got away.” In the back of your mind, you’re hoping you can still make it work with her in the future.
You figure, “No harm done. I’ll go on with my life and I’ll hit this girl up again in a few months and see if I can get things going…”
But there actually IS harm done. You see, by holding on to this girl, you subconsciously close yourself off from having chemistry with other women. You end up comparing every girl to your idealized version of this past girl (which is impossible to match up to), and when she doesn’t match up, you write her off, or don’t try to cultivate a deeper connection.
I speak from experience here. It took me nearly 2 years to fully let go of a girl from my past. And guess what? Within 3 weeks, I met a girl who I had even more chemistry with (something I couldn’t do the entire 2 years prior). Many of my friends and clients have had similar experiences.
As Bruce Lee says:
“Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality.”
Know What You Want in a Woman
Do you know what you want in a woman, both physically and personality-wise?
If not, it’s a sign that either you don’t have enough experience to truly know what you want, or you haven’t actually taken the time to think about it.
In the first case, you should start cautiously gaining experiences and gradually learning what you like and don’t like. In the second case, you should, well, take time to sit and note what it is you want.
Knowing what you want is crucial, because you will naturally have more chemistry with women who embody these traits.
For example, I usually “click” with smart, ambitious, funny women. Especially those who appreciate my sometimes ridiculous sense of humor, and are also very giving, caring, and nurturing.
In terms of physical traits, I’m most attracted to women with “innocent” facial features (think Anne Hathaway or Zooey Deschanel).
I can usually spot these types of women pretty quickly, and I can usually figure out if they match up with the personality traits by how they interact with me and their environment.
With experience, you’ll be able to do the same. That is, if you know what you want (so sit down and figure it out!).
Do Activities That Align With Your Passions and Interests
One of the easiest ways to emotionally connect with a girl and “spark” chemistry is to have something clear in common.
You can “hack” this by participating in activities that 1) interest you and 2) match up with the interests and passions of the type of women you want.
The activity itself becomes a commonality over which you can easily connect with her.
I’ve outlined some good activities to choose from here.
Other than those activities, you can also consider things like:
- Cooking classes
- Networking events
- Meetup groups
Be Open to Adventures
I love adventure. In the past 2 years, my adventures have led me to live in 5 different countries, meet amazing people, and become financially free.
When you have an openness to adventure, you’ll get opportunities most people don’t, experience things most people never will, and always have an err of excitement about you.
You’ll also meet women who are open to adventure. Whether that adventure be starting a business, traveling the world, or standing up for something she believes in..
In the midst of adventure – more specifically, in the midst of experiencing something a little uncommon together – you’ll find it’s very easy to spark chemistry.
Approach Women With the Right Focus
In general, the more women you meet, the more women you’ll have chemistry with. So when a girl catches your eye, you should be going up and saying “Hi.”
That said, it’s important to have the right focus. You don’t want to be the “approach machine” who treats dating like a numbers game.
Instead, you should shift your focus to connecting with her. When you do this, you put yourself more in the moment while you interact with her. She can feel your presence. This is ideal for creating chemistry.
Another tip is to allow yourself to be excited. When you see a girl you want to approach, you might feel a “nervous excitement.” You know you have to say “Hi,” but you don’t know how it will turn out. That excitement is actually good.
When you approach her with this feeling, she’ll often start to mirror you and become excited too. This is the beginnings of chemistry.
Develop Your Sexy Vibe
If you can develop a sexy vibe, your dating life will be a whole lot easier. A sexy vibe draws in women that you will potentially have chemistry with, and it makes it easy for chemistry to develop once you interact with them.
To develop your sexy vibe, there are things you can do right now (surface level) and things you must develop and internalize over time (under the hood).
I won’t go further into it here, but if you want an in-depth guide on how to develop a sexy vibe, you can check out this recent post:
Use Online Dating
Online dating can be one of the best ways to find the type of women you want. That’s because you can get so damn specific with it.
Looking for 5’8″ brunettes who are into rock music, travel, and Game of Thrones?
You can find a woman who matches that description with a simple search on a site like Okcupid.
Once you know how to create a quality online dating profile, you can start lining up dates with women who match up with what you’re looking for. There’s a good chance you’ll have chemistry with these women.
Find Your Ideal “Mating Market”
Your ideal mating market is basically the place where you have the best chances of meeting your ideal type of girl and achieving your definition of dating success.
For example, if you like ambitious, driven, beautiful girls, your ideal mating market probably isn’t some random suburb in Idaho. But it might be a place like New York, which is filled with those types of women and also has a good women to men ratio.
Here are the elements of a mating market:
- Men to women ratio
- Type of women (can usually be determined by most popular industries in a city)
- Competition from other men
- Quality of nightlife
- Type of culture
The more ideal your mating market, the better your chances of having chemistry with women.
For example, I’ve discovered that Medellin, Colombia (a city I’ve lived in for the past 4 months) actually isn’t the most ideal type of mating market for me. While there are many beautiful women here, I haven’t found many that are really driven and ambitious, and my jokes seem to go over their head (my broken Spanish doesn’t help matters).
I meet far fewer women I have chemistry with here than I do in a city like Boston.
If you’re not in your ideal mating market right now, do some research and figure out where it might be – and consider trying it out.
A Few Common Pitfalls to Avoid
Don’t Solely Rely on Chemistry
Once you’re meeting women you have chemistry with, it can be easy to write off women you don’t immediately feel it with. This is a trap you want to avoid.
Some girls are more timid and shy, and don’t express themselves fully right away or open themselves up to you. They need a little more time to feel comfortable. But once they open up, you might find that you do in fact have a lot of chemistry.
So, if you’re interested in a girl, give things a little time to unfold. If you don’t feel chemistry right away, it can still develop.
At the same time, women you think you have chemistry with may just be a little overly flirty, talkative, or nice.
So, appreciate the chemistry, and don’t take it for more than what it is: a good emotional connection with the potential for something more.
Have you ever had a girl go “cold” on you after you made a deep connection? It’s probably because you were overinvested.
You felt the connection, and you dove in head first, with visions of future adventures together, and butterflies in your stomach. Then, she went cold.
Instead of overinvesting, focus more on being in the moment with her, and alway be okay with letting go. Understand you will be okay even if nothing “concrete” results from this chemistry. And realize there are a ton more women out there you can potentially have chemistry with.
Don’t Mistake Chemistry with Compatibility
This is an important distinction when it comes to fostering relationships with women.
At the beginning, I mentioned how chemistry is one piece of the puzzle of a strong connection.
Well, compatibility is the other piece. Compatibility refers to the long-term potential between two people. When you have similarities in your lifestyle and values with a girl, you have high compatibility.
(For example, an atheist isn’t very compatible with a religious person. Whereas, two educated, liberal people might be very compatible.)
If you have a lot of chemistry but no compatibility, the result can be disastrous. That’s how you end up dating women who are bad for you and rationalizing it away (i.e. “I know she cheated on me but it still just feels so right.”)
Whereas if you have a lot of compatibility but no chemistry, the result will be a boring, but convenient relationship.
The point here is this: Just because you have a lot of chemistry with a woman doesn’t mean she’s an ideal relationship candidate for you. Be aware of this distinction and check yourself if you feel your emotions taking over and forcing you to rationalize things. And also be sure to have a clear idea of what you want in a woman.
There’s a lot to grasp here. I dived so deeply on this subject because I’ve seen just how important chemistry is. But don’t let it overwhelm you. Even if you do just a few of the things outlined here, you’ll meet more women you have chemistry with. If you do them all, well, you’ll constantly meet women you have chemistry with.
So, start taking action and meeting some awesome women!
Here’s How You Can Meet Women You Have Chemistry With:
- Let Go of the “Girl Who Got Away”
- Know What You Want in a Woman
- Do Activities That Align With Your Passions and Interests
- Be Open to Adventures
- Approach Women With the Right Focus
- Develop Your Sexy Vibe
- Use Online Dating
- Find Your Ideal “Mating Market”
And Here Are a Few Common Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Don’t Solely Rely on Chemistry
- Don’t Overinvest
- Don’t Mistake Chemistry with Compatibility