When you’re new to “the game”, most dating experts will tell you to approach women constantly. Basically, become an approach machine.
This means that when you see any relatively attractive girl, you need to approach her.
This isn’t bad advice, especially if you’re just starting your journey of improving with women.
But as you get more and more comfortable talking to women, should you continue to be an approach machine?
You might think, “Yes! Talking to more girls is the best way for me to learn and improve.”
But you need to look at this question a little deeper.
When you’re an approach machine, your nights might look something like this…
You walk into the bar, and you immediately approach the first group of girls you see. They aren’t super receptive, but you hang around for another minute to see if you can get them to engage. They don’t, so you walk away.
You spot another pair of girls by the dancefloor. They don’t give you much either, so you eject after a couple minutes.
Then, you spot a girl in a sexy red dress, dancing alone by the bar. You bolt over and smile. She gives you a half-hearted smile, then dances away from you.
You spot a group of people by the DJ booth – a few guys and girls. You engage with them for a few minutes and they’re receptive, but none of the girls seem to be really into you. So, you politely excuse yourself and move on.
You zero in on the brunette by the bar and…
So on and so forth. The whole night becomes a series of rapid fire approaches.
The problem is, this isn’t a very effective method.
Here’s How Being an Approach Machine Can Hold You Back:
1. You’re always thinking of the next approach: Whether the interaction is going well or badly, you’re never actually focused on the present moment. You’re always thinking of the next approach. Women can pick up on this immediately and it kills attraction.
2. All approaches are “cold”: Since you’re rapidly approaching every attractive girl, you don’t have time to look for “approach invitations” (aka the signs a woman wants you to talk to her). This leads to less positive reactions, forces you to fight an uphill battle, and leads to overall lesser quality interactions.
3. Negative social proof: When you’re the guy who’s constantly moving from conversation to conversation, you look try-hard. It’s obvious you’re exerting a lot of effort and getting minimal results (this is especially true if people aren’t responding well to you). You become “that guy” who approaches every girl in the club.
4. Exhaustion: If you’re cycling through new conversations every minute or two, you’re going to wear yourself down. You’ll be exhausted from all of the short, forgettable interactions you’ve thrown yourself into for the past 3-4 hours.
All of this hinders your progress with women. You don’t have as many long, fun interactions, which is where you learn the most (and have the most fun). You don’t get as many positive reference experiences, because you never allow yourself to fully engage in an interaction.
To put this in perspective, the majority of my friends and I who do well with woman typically talk to far fewer women throughout the night. Sometimes 5-10 or even less. And yet, we still have far better results than the average guy who machine-gun approaches.
How? Well, because there’s a better way.
You can talk to less girls throughout the night, but connect with more, have more fun, and learn more.
Not to mention, increase your chances of bringing a girl home.
Here’s what to do instead of being an approach machine:
(Note: If you don’t have much experience approaching new women, I suggest approaching more. You need to build the habit and get comfortable with the process. So, this is more for intermediate/advanced guys)
1. Look for Approach Invitations
Women rarely will approach you. Instead, they’ll give you signals that they want you to approach them. A lot of guys either don’t notice these signals, or don’t know what to do when they get these signals (hint: approach her). But when you approach a girl after she gives you an approach invitation, you’ll get a huge head start in the interaction. She’ll be warm to your approach, more open, and easier to connect with.
Here are some approach invitations to look out for:
- Eye contact. You look up and notice she is looking at you. You both hold eye contact and smile. This is the most obvious approach invitation.
- The glance. She doesn’t look directly at you and make eye contact, but she keeps glancing in your direction, at nothing in particular.
- Nearby plant. She deliberately plants herself near you. If you’re at a coffee shop, maybe she sits at the next table over. If you’re at the bar, maybe she sits down beside you.
- Hovering. She walks over near you, looks around, and just kind of hovers there glancing in your direction. This one is usually pretty obvious too.
- Making a request. She asks you to take a picture, asks a random question, etc.
Keep an eye out for these approach invitations, and when you get one, be ready to take action. Think of it like this: the girl has already basically shown you she’s interested in you, and now, you just have to say “Hi” and explore the connection.
(Note: Sometimes you’ll mistake an approach invitation. But the more you see them, the more you’ll be able to decipher them. So take action first, asks questions later.)
2. Talk to Girls You Feel an Urge to Talk To
On any given night, there should be at least a few girls who really catch your eye. They’re not necessarily the “hottest” girls in the club, or the most done up, but there’s something about them. Sure, you’re physically attracted to them, but there’s more to it than that. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you feel like you have to meet them.
Whether you get an approach invitation or not, you should always talk to these girls. These are the girls who will naturally excite you, and that excitement and interest will shine through on the interaction. The girl will be able to feel it, and a lot of time, she’ll mirror those same feelings and excitement.
3. Focus on Connecting
When you approach girl after girl, you don’t give yourself a chance to truly connect. You’re always thinking about the next approach. Instead, shift your focus to connecting with her by:
- Getting beyond the superficial. Ask open-ended questions that allow her to tell you about who she is, instead of boring facts like what she does, where she’s from, etc.
- Listening and relating. Actively listen and follow up to her responses.
- Focusing on commonalities. Focus on things you can easily relate to each other on, like interests and hobbies.
- Making strong eye contact. Studies show that simple eye contact can actually make a person fall in love with you. Try to hold eye contact for a little longer than you feel comfortable. Experiment with it.
- Being in the moment. Try to calm the thoughts swirling around your head and focus on the girl in front of you. She can feel when you’re in the moment and when you’re distracted.
The truth is, I don’t want to talk to 100 girls a night. I’d much rather talk to 5-10 girls until I connect well with one, and have an awesome time. With this process in mind, you can do the same.