At some point, every guy wonders how to get a girlfriend.
If you’re ready for a girlfriend, you typically fit into one of two categories:
- You don’t have a ton of experience with women and want to lock down a girl
- You’re tired of sleeping with tons of different girls, and want to make a deeper connection with one girl
If you’re in the first category, you face challenges like attracting new girls, learning great dating fundamentals, and learning not to be desperate in your girlfriend search.
If you’re in the second category, you face challenges like learning to put the “player lifestyle” on pause, learning relationship game, and finding a girl who fits your “whole package” (versus one you just enjoying having sex with.)
In reality, no matter what type of guy you are, you’ll have to overcome some challenges.
So today, I’ll give you a roadmap for how to get a girlfriend. This roadmap will help you overcome just about all the challenges you’ll face when it comes to getting a girlfriend. What’s more, it’ll help you manage the relationship so she sticks around and even gets addicted to being with you.
Let’s get into it…
Here’s How to Get a Girlfriend: 13 Steps That Make Her Want You…
1. Let Go of the Girls from Your Past
We’ve all got that one “girl who got away”. She was amazing and awesome and everything you wanted. But now, she’s gone and you can’t seem to let the idea of her go.
But here’s the thing: If you want to get a quality girlfriend, you first must let go of all of the girl(s) from your past.
You see, by holding on to the idea of this girls (and the chance that it could one day magically work out with her), you subconsciously close yourself off from having chemistry with other women. You end up comparing every girl to your idealized version of this past girl (which is impossible to match up to), and when she doesn’t match up, you write her off, or don’t try to cultivate a deeper connection.
I’ve noticed that whenever I finally “let a girl go”, I end up meeting another awesome girl almost immediately – like within weeks. By letting go of one girl, I leave room for another awesome one to come into my life.
If you’re struggling with letting go of girls from your past, check out these two articles:
2. Know What You Want in a Woman (And Don’t Settle)
Most guys don’t know what they actually want in a woman, aside from a pretty face, a nice ass, and some sexy curves.
If they find a girl who looks good, is good in bed, and has a fun personality, that’s usually enough to get them to settle down.
But this kind of thinking will get you in trouble, especially when it comes to getting a girlfriend you actually like.
Instead, you should sit down and think of what you actually want in a woman.
- Write down 3-4 “must-have” traits. If a girl is missing any of these, you should rule her out of being your girlfriend
- Write down 4-5 “nice-to-have” traits. The more of these a girl has, the better
Keep these in mind when meeting and dating women. Ask her the right questions that will reveal these traits.
This will help you avoid getting into a relationship you really shouldn’t be in, as well as a lot of heartache, pain, and fighting down the road.
I’ll also note that very few guys actually do this. For example, I have one friend who is very Christian. He knew he wanted a Christian girl, but constantly kept going for girls who weren’t very Christian and just kind of “overlooked” it. It always turned out terrible in the long-run, and I was there to tell him, “BRO, I told you so!”
He finally got the point, and now exclusively goes for Christian girls. His relationships are now a lot more fulfilling, happy, and long-lasting.
3. Don’t Be in “Girlfriend Search Mode”
Sometimes guys email me and say, “Dave! I just want to know how to get a girlfriend!” I usually laugh because it’s obvious that these guys are in “girlfriend search mode.” In other words, they’re desperate to get a girlfriend.
It reminds me of a quote I heard years ago (I think it was from Mark Manson)…
“If you desperately want a girlfriend, then you probably need to have sex with 50 girls. If you want to have sex with 50 girls, then what you probably need is a girlfriend.”
When you’re “on the hunt” for a girlfriend, women will immediately pick up on this and it’ll make you seem needy. You’ll be the one chasing them instead of the other way around.
Instead of “girlfriend search mode”, you should take a different approach.
You should have the goal of meeting more women you connect with, and seeing where it goes from there. If a relationship develops, that’s cool – if not, that’s cool too. You know you can make a connection with another girl and take it from there.
This approach will prevent you from jumping into something serious with a girl you’re not all that crazy about. It’ll also lead to a more healthy relationship whenever you do get into one.
4. Fine-Tune Your Conversation Skills
If you don’t know how to talk to girls, you won’t be able to connect deeply enough to have a relationship with them.
And so, you need to fine-tune your conversation skills. Luckily, you’re in the right place for that, as I have a shit-ton of content about how to talk to girls and have better conversations. Hell, I even wrote a best-selling book about how to talk to girls.
Here are some tips to help you fine-tune your conversation skills:
- Keep the conversation focused on the girl
- Use emotional conversation topics like these
- Avoid the common conversation mistakes that turn women off
- Ask her the right questions
5. Start Getting Your Shit Together
Any random schmuck with some game can bring home a high quality girl on any given night. But keeping her around for the long-term is a different story (that’s why so many guys are left scratching their heads when wondering how to get a girlfriend).
If you aren’t at least trying to get your shit together, don’t expect to maintain relationships with high quality girls.
Think about it: a Victoria’s Secret model is not going to date a dude with a shitty job who’s still living with his parents.
But here’s the beautiful thing: You don’t actually need to have your shit together right now. But you do need to at least be working towards that.
Women want to see that you have potential, drive, and purpose. They don’t want a dude who’s going through the motions of life with no control or plan.
So, how can you start getting your shit together?
- Set strong goals for yourself and actually pursue them
- Do whatever you can to get out of your parents’ house
- Stop working shitty jobs you hate (and consider quitting them and getting freedom in your life)
- Hit the gym and workout consistently
- Hang around with higher quality guys who are following their own purpose
- Learn new skills and make more money
6. Learn to Flirt Like a Pro
Flirting is the way you arouse a girl’s interest and make her picture the two of you together romantically. It’s essential to your conversations with women, and also keeps you out of the friendzone.
Most guys don’t flirt well because they’re afraid to take risks. They don’t want to show their cards and make the girl make a decision about whether she likes them. But if you want to flirt like a pro, you need to take some risks.
Those risks involve teasing a girl, getting physical from the outset, and even dropping in the occasional sexual innuendo.
7. Develop Your Sexy Vibe
This ties into flirting like a pro. If you don’t have a sexy vibe, you won’t be able to flirt with her in a sexy way.
And so, it’ll be a lot harder to have sex with women, which in turn makes it much harder to date them.
Your sexy vibe is made up of 2 components:
- The Surface level (what she can see). These are things you can physically do right now to have a sexy vibe around women.
- Under the hood (your mindset and characteristics). These are things you must develop and internalize over time
Surface level stuff includes things like walking slower, talking slower, holding eye contact, and having a sexy simile.
Under the hood stuff includes things like assuming attraction and building your charisma.
Full a full guide on this, check out this article: How to Have a Sexy Vibe Around Women
8. Learn How to Have Great Sex
You can have all the fundamentals down and be a super cool guy. But if you don’t know how to fuck a girl the right way, don’t expect any girls to stick around for long… at least, not any high quality girls.
(And if she does stick around, she’ll most likely be getting some D on the side.)
On the other hand, great sex can literally get a girl addicted to you.
Here are some sex fundamendals to help you improv in the sack:
- Use the right positions (a mix of maximized and minimized skin-to-skin contact)
- Be more dominant (pull her hair, spank her, tell her to get into positions instead of asking)
- Use foreplay
- Build your stamina so you can fuck her for at least 30 minutes to an hour consistently
9. Put Yourself in Position to Meet Girls You Have Chemistry With
Chemistry makes dating fun. The more of it you have with women, the more exciting and fulfilling your dating life will be. Plus, you’ll have the best, most emotionally charged sex with the women you have chemistry with.
What’s more, girls you have chemistry with make for the best girlfriends. That natural spark is there from the beginning, and you can’t really fake it or manufacture it (though you’ll meet a lot more girls you have chemistry with if you have your dating fundamentals down).
So, how do you put yourself in position to meet women you have chemistry with?
- Do activities that align with your passions and interests. Aim for activities that 1) interest you and 2) match up with the interests and passions of the type of women you want.
- Find your ideal mating market, aka the place where you have the best chances of meeting your ideal type of girl and achieving your definition of dating success (for me, that’s proven to be Mexico City and New York).
- Develop the “approach habit”. Basically, whenever you see a girl you find attractive, get in the habit of walking towards her and at the very least making a simple approach, like “Do you know where the nearest Starbucks is?” As it becomes habit, you can be more direct and tell her you think she’s attractive and that’s why you had to say hi.
10. Solidify Your First-Date Strategy
(I teamed up with my buddy David De Las Morenas from HowToBeast for this video)
Before you can make her your girlfriend, you need to have the first date. And so, you should solidify your first date strategy.
You should aim to lead her, move quickly, and end your first dates in sex. This will give you the best chance at seeing her again and potentially making her your girlfriend.
Here are some tips to solidify your first date strategy (other than those in the video above):
- Assume she’s the type of girl who has sex on the first date
- Ask her the right questions to connect with her
- Get the logistics in your favor (i.e. set up the date close to your place)
11. Build It Gradually
Once you actually start hanging out with her over the course of a few dates, aim to build things gradually.
You should hang out with her 1-2 times per week MAX for at least the first couple of months. Then, you can gradually move up to 2-3 times and so on.
The beginning of the relationship is where the expectations are set, and also where the growth begins. If you start off hanging with her 3-4 times a week from the beginning, there’s not really much room for growth after that. And once she feels like the growth has stopped, things will start to stagnate. Plus if you try hanging with her less after that (like moving from 4 days a week to 2 days a week) she’s going to feel like something is wrong with the relationship.
You might also want to hold off on doing tons of adventurous and fun stuff right at the beginning. Again, this sets the expectation. So unless you have enough adventurous and fun stuff to last you each week throughout the length of the relationship, it’s better to gradually build up to this type of stuff over time, and instead opt for relaxed dates like dinner at your place, movies, etc. This will help you keep the excitement going later on.
12. Always Be Leading
As a man, you need to know how to lead women. It doesn’t matter if you just met her at the bar or if you’re married to her – you need to always be leading and taking initiative (this is one of the most important aspects when it comes to how to get a girlfriend).
That means you take the lead on making plans (though you can obviously be open to her suggestions), lay the ground rules for the relationship early on, manage her emotions, and generally be moving the relationship in the right direction.
This will keep both of you happy. It’ll help you avoid being the pussy-whipped guy who is more or less his girlfriend’s bitch, and it’ll also allow her to relax and go along for the ride with you.
13. Don’t Be Phased By Her B.S.
Every girl is at least a little crazy some of the time. Women are more emotional than us men, and they like to argue emotionally. Plus, the hotter she is, the more she’ll usually test you by doing seemingly crazy shit.
The key though, is to not be reactive to it. The weak man is very affected by the B.S. his girlfriend dishes out. It worries him, ruins his day, and makes him supplicate to his woman and try to “fix” the situation.
But instead, you should remain calm, remind yourself that “bitches be crazy”, and let her go through her little episode without making you lose your cool. She’ll come to her senses in a little while and realize she was being a little crazy. And the more she realizes her craziness doesn’t get a reaction out of you, the less she’ll have crazy episodes (though these crazy episodes will always happen at least sometimes).
Wrapping Up How to Get a Girlfriend…
Most guys end up with girls they’re not all that crazy about. They settle, and it’s kind of sad.
But you don’t have to have that same fate. You can get a girlfriend you actually like if you follow the right steps.
To recap, here’s how to get a girlfriend and make her want you in 13 steps:
1. Let go of the girls from your past
2. Know what you want in a woman (and don’t settle)
3. Don’t be in “girlfriend search mode”
4. Fine-tune your conversation skills
5. Start getting your shit together
6. Learn to flirt like a pro
7. Develop your sexy vibe
8. Learn how to have great sex
9. Put yourself in position to meet girls you have chemistry with
10. Solidify your first-date strategy
11. Build it gradually
12. Always be leading
13. Don’t be phased by her B.S.
And remember: take your time with new girls. Don’t rush into things, but instead build it gradually. That’ll help you have much more fulfilling relationships with your future girlfriends.
What’s been the biggest thing stopping you from getting a girlfriend? Post your answer in the comments below!
P.S. Struggling to have sexy conversations with women? Check out my best-selling book: Conversation Casanova: How to Effortlessly Start Conversations and Flirt Like a Pro