A reader sent an interesting email the other day, regarding “leading women”.
He started off by asking if men should view “leading women” as a gift, or if they should detest or hate the fact that they carry the “burden” of having to lead women.
When I asked why he would view “leading women” as a burden, he said:
“Well often times, I’m not sure how to lead. I run out of ideas, and it feels like I’m doing all the work when I’m leading the woman, like she is just doing nothing or doing very little at all. She is just along for the ride, and not contributing much, even though I’m aware it’s part of the natural order of things.”
It’s not the sexiest topic out there, but if there’s one thing I’d point to that separates the guys who “get it” (and get laid) and the guys who don’t (and literally need to “get lucky” to get a girl), it’s leading.
If you want to be successful with women, you need to know how to lead women, and do it well.
In essence, leading is defined by setting a course of action, and moving along that course with conviction.
Whether it’s a goal in life, or a beautiful girl you want to date, leading is key.
Because an awesome girl isn’t going to hand herself to you. She wants to be led.
Which is exactly why so many guys SUCK at dating. They meander around with no objective. They go on dates that lead to nowhere, filled with conversations that lead to nowhere.
You can be cool, charming, funny, great looking, etc., but if you can’t lead, you can’t get the girl.
You need to be a man who leads. Not just to have a successful dating life, but to have a successful and fulfilling life in general.
So, we’ll dive into exactly how to lead women in a minute. But first, let’s touch on what leading is, and why it’s a gift and not a burden.
What is “Leading” and Why Is It a Gift?
There’s a physical and conversational aspect to leading. Physically, it means moving women from one place to another, setting the logistics, and moving things forward. Conversationally, it means moving off bad or boring topics, focusing on emotional connections, and quickly getting to know her on a deeper level.
And to understand why it’s a gift, put yourself in a girl’s shoes for a second…
You’re on a date with a guy you like, and things are going well. You’d even be open to moving things further and going back to your place or his. But thanks to all the slut-shaming in society, you are hesitant to make these moves yourself, because you don’t want to seem like a slut, and you also don’t want to get rejected. So, you’re hoping the guy will move things forward and make it easy for you. You’re rooting for him.
If he leads you properly, you’ll happily end up moving further with him. But if he doesn’t (like often happens with men), the date will stall out, and you’ll both be wondering what happened.
Now turn back the tables. As the man, the ball is in your court to direct the interaction. If you want to kiss her, or bring her home, you can lead her through those motions, and if she goes along with it, you’ll have a great night.
Tell me, is this not a gift? Instead of waiting around and hoping, you can control the outcome. Sure, things won’t always work out the way you’d like, but at least you KNOW – unlike the guys who are afraid to lead and never go for what they want in the first place.
Avoid viewing “leading” as a burden. It will only put you into the victim mentality (i.e. “life isn’t fair!”) and it will absolutely kill your attraction with women.
How to Lead
Leading is a bit of an art. You need to toe the line between being assertive and a straight up jerk. If you go too far in the jerk direction, you’ll piss women off. You need to be aware of the emotions in the situation and act with social intelligence.
Know Where You’re Going
This is the obvious first step of leading – it’s your destination. You need it before you can set a course of action. For the purposes of this article, let’s say your “destination” is to take her back to your place or go to her place.
In order to get to that destination, a few things probably have to happen…
- You need to make an emotional connection with her
- The logistics need to be in your favor
- She needs to be feeling good
- You need to get her back to your place or hers
So, if you’ve met an attractive girl and you’re setting up a date, you should aim to set the logistics in your favor. That means:
- Meeting at a place within a 5-10 minute walk of your place or hers
- Meeting in a social setting at night (like a bar) where there are more sexual undertones
- Have one or two bars you can walk to after getting the first drink
If you’re at a bar or club, and you want to go back to your place or hers, this means:
- Figuring out the logistics (what part of town she lives in, how she got there, etc.)
- Asking about her plans are for afterwards
- Getting the two of you alone together as quickly as possible
Just by doing simple things like these, you make it much easier to get to your destination.
Manage the Emotions
You want her to feel good around you. The better she feels, the more likely she is to follow your lead. So, you need to direct the conversation and make it easy for the two of you to make an emotional connection and feel positive emotions.
To make a deeper emotional connection, you need to:
- Ask the right questions
- Listen and relate to her
- Avoid doing annoying things
- Get beyond the superficial
- Make strong eye contact
- Be non-judgemental
To manage her emotions, you need to make her feel like you understand her, build her up, and encourage her if she’s feeling down or unsure about something.
When you can build an emotional connection and properly manage her emotions, she’s much more likely to follow your lead (and feel good about doing so).
Always Be Moving Forward
There’s a timeline for everything. As a general rule, it’s better to move things forward before they start to stall out. This keeps the emotions rolling on a high note.
On a conversational level, this means being aware of when a topic is becoming boring or when it’s finishing, and moving to a different topic.
For example, if the conversation starts veering to a more factual, logical topic like gym exercises, you could shift it by asking, “What do you love about working out?” This brings the conversation back to an emotional level and allows you to learn more about her.
On a physical level, this means making the first move and not staying in one place for hours at a time.
For example, If you’ve been dancing with a girl for a while, take her hand and say, “let’s go get a drink,” or simply, “let’s go over there.” And then, move her to the bar/different location within the bar. Continue to move her around throughout the night and keep things fresh.
If you’re on a date, move her to the next venue, or back to your place for drinks.
Most men don’t lead. They sit back and hope a beautiful girl will fall into their lap, or sex will just happen on a date – and they don’t take any action to move things forward.
Simply by making an effort to lead women, you will set yourself apart from the vast majority of guys. It will be refreshing to women and you’ll constantly appear as the guy who’s different from the rest (in a good way).
Make leading a habit – both with women, and in your life in general. Don’t expect things to fall into your lap, or expect your life to just go the way you’d like it to go. Take action and work for it.