You need a collared shirt to get in,” says the bouncer. Shit. It’s 1am and Kevin, Steve, and I are trying to get into Emerald, a new club in Boston. Boston is kind of empty on Thanksgiving weekend and this is our last option.

So far the night has been crazy. At this point I’ve already been solicited by an older woman (at least 50) to go back to her hotel room later in the night. She practically threw herself on me in Clarkes (p.s. Clarkes kind of sucks, don’t go there). But I was not about to give up my night to some cougar at 11pm. C’mon girl, I’m not THAT easy. Besides, she was sporting a suspicious amount of eye shadow, probably trying to cover up her old woman baggy eyes.

But she was kind of sexy, so of course, I grabbed her number and told her we’d meet up later. She agreed. Worst case scenario, it was a place to crash. Best case, hilarious story. Cougars are great.

Back to Emerald. Kevin and I are rocking collared shirts, just being our normal fresh-to-death selves. You know how it is. Kevin is even wearing a pea coat and scarf. Too fashionable and absolutely destroying my shitty North Face. Damnit Bro. Making me look bad.

Not to mention I’m in dire need of a haircut. My flow has gone rouge and is a little out of control. I also have developed this weird cowlick since I’ve started growing out my hair, which makes one part of my hair-flip a little longer than the other. If you really stare at it, it kind of seems like I have these hair-shaped devil horns growing in the front of my head. Should probably get that cut like tomorrow. The ladies love it though, so badass.

 

 

Steve is wearing a V-neck T-shirt. Normally not a problem, but for this Boston club, you need a collared shirt to get in. Classy.

As we stand in line arguing with the bouncer, we peer in the entrance. This place looks absolutely epic. It has a very modern and hip look, and to top it off, it’s filled with gorgeous women. We NEED to get in there.

We argue with the bouncer and owner for ten minutes to no avail. Apparently my devil horn hair is not too intimidating. We walk off, but we are not about to give up by any means.

It’s clear, we have only one choice. The classic bait & switch.

As we deliberate, Kevin brings it up.

“What if me and you go in there with our collared shirts and pull a bait and switch? I’ll run to the bathroom, take my shirt off, and give it to you. You can run out and give it to Steve so he can get in.”

“I fucking love it, we’re doing it. Steve, you in?”

“Let’s do it.”

Steve stays back and Kevin and I head into Emerald on a mission. This place is wild. We head to the bathroom, which turns out to be extremely confusing. There is no men’s and women’s rooms; instead, there are 8 different unisex one-stall bathrooms all arranged in this mirror-walled maze-like structure. Surprised I didn’t walk into a wall.

Kevin is concerned that we’re going to get caught and banned from this place for life. I’m a little worried too because this place is so sick, and this IS kind of a dick move. Oh well, adventure.

“I don’t need to wear the button down. I think I can just wear my pea coat and scarf without a shirt underneath. That way it’ll look legit and we won’t get called out.”

“Duuuude. So you’re going to walk around half naked with just a pea coat and scarf? HAHAHAHA.”

“Yup.”

“Such dedication.”

Kevin takes the shirt off in the bathroom and throws it out to me. I stuff it underneath my North Face and head for the exit. As I triumphantly scoot by the bouncer, I’m already thinking we’ve pulled it off.

Steve changes into the collared shirt, which somehow miraculously fits him perfectly considering he’s about 8 inches taller than Kevin. I walk back in and Steve follows behind me. I go in first so it’s not suspicious.

After about 5 minutes, I notice that Steve is still angrily chatting with the bouncer. Two of the bouncers see me near the door and signal me to come talk to them. Shit. Feels like I’m getting called to the principal’s office.

“We know you’re fucking around. We saw you take the collared shirt. Is your friend walking around topless? One of you is not getting in here tonight.”

As I quickly try to think of a way to explain this absurd situation and save our story, the owner comes over and Steve flips out.

“I’m wearing a collared shirt, is this not good enough for you bro? You’re really going to waste my time AND your time on this issue?! You’ve got to be kidding me.”

The owner bickers back, and Steve flips him off and walks away.

There is already kind of a ridiculous undertone here, because we all know that somebody is walking around the club with no shirt on.

From here, I decide to do the only thing you can do when your friend is half-naked in a club: lay it all out on the line and tell the owner.

“You caught us. We weren’t going to leave our friend behind, and we saw how crazy this place was and we HAD to get in. We pulled a bait and switch, so yes, basically our other buddy is walking around with no shirt. Just a pea coat and scarf. We thought we could pull it off.”

The owner pauses for a second, and then bursts out laughing.

“This is hilarious! You should’ve told me this earlier and I would’ve let your friend come in too. You and your buddy are great friends for not leaving your other friend behind.”

At this point, the owner, three bouncers, and I are all laughing hysterically. I’m still not sure if they’re fucking with me or not, but I roll with it.

“As a matter of fact, introduce me to your buddy. I’m buying the both of you shots.”

I kind of hesitate for a second because I’m not sure if he’s messing with me. For all I know, he could just kick the both of us out and ban us for life after I introduce him to Kevin.

We track down topless pea coat Kevin, who kind of tries to hide when he sees me with the owner. He thinks he is screwed. About to get charged with public indecency or something.

Lo and behold, the owner is not messing with us and buys the both of us some shots. We chat with him for ten minutes and he gives us his card. We proceed to have an epic time in Emerald over the next hour while Steve is pouting outside. Sorry bro :p.

Lesson learned: Honesty works better than arguing with club owners and bouncers, but ONLY after you pull a bait and switch and get caught red handed. And then the owner will think you are hilarious and buy you shots. 1 for 1 on this one, so I can only assume this tactic works 100% of the time. If you decide to use this, be sure to credit me.